Move over, Benjamin Button – Simon Cowell has officially hacked the space-time continuum with nothing more than a fancy blood filter and the sheer audacity of a man who once told a 12-year-old their dream was over. The 66-year-old king of black T-shirts and brutal honesty now claims science has declared him biologically 65… soon 64… and by 2035 he’ll be back in nappies demanding his rattle. Forget Botox, forget fillers – Cowell’s secret is apparently just paying someone to Hoover the bad decisions out of his bloodstream while he pedals an electric bike around the Cotswolds muttering “peace” to his guardian angel like a man who’s seen too many X Factor auditions. At this rate, next year he’ll be headlining Britain’s Got Toddler Talent.
